mess of me.

there's not really much to say, but these words really hit me hard. there's truth in every word, every line...& every piece of grammar brilliantly tells my story and my desperate desire to be unchained & free. it's called "Mess of Me", from Switchfoot's new album "Hello Hurricane", coming out in November.

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I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
No, there ain´t no drug to make me well

There ain't no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
inside these prison cells
It´s hard to free the ones you love
Ohh, when you can´t forgive yourself
Forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
There ain't no drug
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life aliiiive!

e-thought.

got this e-mail & i think you should join me & let it sink in.

"one of the things that the group said in between songs, was about suffering. and how we mite look at each other's suffering n think, "oh well their situation isnt THAT bad" or "man, my problems r nothing compared to so-n-so's". but everyone's suffering is unique. n that's how God sees it, n reacts to it, whtether we see it or not. God doesn't look at u ebb n think, hmm ebbie's problems r nothin compared to "so&so" (or vice versa). he cares just as much about u n wat u go through, as he does with me, as he does with so&so, as he does with all of us. he doesn't play favorites, bc we're ALL his children, but we're also all unique in his sight. and the band went on to talk about how our suffering is somethin that we can offer bak to the Lord, but we often forget to bc we get so mentally stuck on the "why me" aspect, that we forget that we can use it to praise Him and draw closer. i kno we've talked about this before, but sometimes God has to remind us that we don't need the things we crave n strive for. We think we need love from each other, encouragement, interaction n a sense of belonging. but do we really? maybe the reason y we get so down is bc we forget that we're NOT meant to have all those things, so when we don't have it, we really have no rite to be upset. bc it wasn't really ours to begin with. like cs lewis said, we were meant for another world. so how can we be upset that we don't have the things of this world? how can we be upset that we don't have friends and family that would sacrifice everything for us? how can we be upset that we work harder than those around us in skool or work? is ne of that gona matter when we're in heaven? everything we do in this life is spose to be for the next life, but we get too caught up in this life that we forget wat is to come.

one last random statement that i picked up from the concert last nite, bout worship though. so lately i've been feelin like i jus cann't bring myself to worship, or to jus do my quiet time bc i don't have the energy to physically get myself to move from my bed or to open my bible, or even to get on my knees in prayer. n a lot of times, when i see other ppl SO on fire for God, i feel bad bc i'm so far off. n even in church, all i can think about r the things going on in my life. i wonder if there was ever a time when i worshipped without thinkin bout myself at all. how selfish of me. so this is wat the main guy from 10th avenue north said. "THE POINT OF WORSHIP IS NOT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, BUT TO FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF."

revolutionary.

you try your best to understand the who, what, where, when why & how of this life you've been given.

sure, you've been taught to accept whatever answers that fill up those questions. they say you can change whatever you need to change, or do whatever you gots to do. i don't buy that. i feel like you're given these answers to accept them not as for what they are, but what they are to become. because every little thing in life has a delicate, yet powerful purpose. and it's funny because almost 95% of the time, our stuck-up American minds have found ourselves obsessed with impatience & ourselves. to the point that most of us are in denial.

i guess being so encompassed by the program these past coupla weeks, have made me fall deep into something. yea, that's it. something. i have no idea what it is, or where it's going, or what's up with it's timing, but its something. and to be honest, it really sucks. but talking this out to you guys made me realize that the things & the people that constantly let you down and/or subconsciously or unintentionally hurt you, have really made me DESIRE to live under a shadow. the shadow of patience, and humility & grace. as you can tell from my past posts, i've been thru a whirlwind of emotions these past 9 months. I guarantee you it was, in fact, the most torturous time of my life. funny thing is, it's still going. sure, "this too shall pass" is keeping me sane, but no point of denying the facts, denying the hurts.

and as i write this, i realize that as you're reading this down you find yourself limiting my words to nothing but dramatic. sure no one will admit it out loud, but its the truth. you think it. i know who you are. but that's okay.

because God in His infinite mercy has allowed to me feel the things i feel, or be treated the way i am treated for a purpose. and the confidence i have in that is so bewildering, that i may never come to terms of fully understanding it.

i find myself here in this lab at midnight, with the quiet buzz of computer fans and fluorescent ambiance, at the mercy of the Lord and the urge from Him to write this to you all. After hitting up Centerpoint

last week, this concept has dawned on me like beard on my face.

dont say the prayer, pray the prayer. its been the best revolutionary concept that i have ever heard. and i tell

you and promise you, that if you're out there feeling the bitterness that

i've felt and will feel periodically, that single line--if one takes it to its utmost sincerity--will give you more joy and peace like

never before. like you wont even know what to do with yourself. and im desperately trying to use that

as my getaway from it all.

TAKE HOME:

thanks for reading. pray for each other. if you see someone on the street, at a red light, on the subway,

on the freeway, or even on the starbucks line--i beg of you to be different and send a quick one up for them.

because if we cannot take care of each other sincerely, then be ashamed to call yourself of God, especially

if you publicly express yourself as a firm, outgoing & loving believer of the Lord. God will come back & haunt you.

so watch it.

mad hostile i know!! crazy, but id rather get all this out to you know, while i'm under stress & anxiety. because

the real truths & realities come out freely during these times. take it, drink it and let it bring forth change.

pray.Godbless.

owned.

stop being ordinary. do something different from what everyone else is doing.

bought my first pair of toms shoes the other day. super excited to show 'em off, only because its so incredibly different. and i bleed helping kids through my bones. check 'em out at http://www.tomsshoes.com. also i recommend making your homepage: http://www.goodsearch.com. No i'm not in a sudden charity high, heck I joined PA school in hopes of getting help to the suffering asap. That's why med school was out of the picture. too long of a wait to do something for someone else.

observing what is untold:

it's in the most confusing times you realize how cold your insides have become. being immune to adversity has, as the title so brilliantly proclaims, owned you.

you find yourself questioning and developing your thoughts into redundant cycles of brutal doubt, self-destruction-- forcing yourself to accept that you're destined for nothing but what is in front of you.

"Futures & chicken wings without ketchup and hot sauce, are just a mere potion for disaster", is what you mind answers to your heart when it is in utter fear and disgust.

and its true. the past tends to be something that encompasses and shatter all your hopes and dreams and plans and imagination. your mind knows nothing else in times of sudden adversity, when trauma or mama drama lingers as its only inhabitant of your sorry psyche.

and this is where it escalades into a hot, crazy mess: the pain burns. it burns so much that the ache owns you. it owns you to the point that you are utterly helpless to its firm hand of authority. you whine like a dog out in the cold, your sheets become red hot from the tossing and turning. you scream inside, pumping the vasculature to its demise. see the pain that really owns you isn't really what you think that owns you. it's your surroundings. you look around and micro-analyze every single thing, thinking its the only way you'll make sense of everything.

so the intervention begins. the point of writing this up for the world to see--while i should be studying cardiology is something that im trying to get people to understand.

God. i know He's so over-talked about, over-played, over-whatever suits your word choice.

It's so easy to believe in everything else but Him because well, why believe in something unseen? by believing in something real and concrete and physical you are able to conquer life's many trials. SURVEY SAYS: DE-NIED. the happy people are necessarily the happiest of happys.

ACCEPT THE UNSEEN AS A CRESCENDO.

the best thing about believing in the unseen is finding out that it is NOT something that is just ask and take. it is about working hard spiritually to allow rebirth and regrowth to exist under the surface and working inside of you as go through the daily ins and outs.

IT TAKES TIME. GOD TAKES HIS TIME. Don't look to the left, to the back, or to right.

"One stupid little thing makes such a drastic change in your life, not even a BIG one, just a little one." It's the little things that God uses to avoid the big things from becoming death to you.

He shoots with adversity for attention. that faith in things of the world have NO match for the things He can provide you. and that my dear friend(s), is pure relief. pure joy in the little things. STARTING to believe in finding pure joy in the little things enable you to slowly piece things together to later on, find joy NATURALLY in the bigger things. the life that God intended you to live, NOT the life that OTHERS intended you to live. Keep the gangster you running towards the prize, not away from it because you hurt your ankle. THATS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

take home: let the little things be your guide to fighting for something better.

be in love with prayer this week. not you, or your school, or your peoples, just prayer. God bless man.

obsess less.

this is a quick note to tell you the following, well i'm mainly tellin myself the following at the same time:

1) obsession over things that are out of your control, that don't work in your favor, or that don't go the way you want it is meaningless.

2) in times of adversity, failure, or fed-upness (as i clearly am now), join in me the "not caring" committee for excellence. see its not about saying "screw it, i dont care about anything". its the i dont care attitude that deals with doing YOU UNTIL this lil phase that God's putting you through passes. you get what im saying? lay your battles with God.

3) this does not mean that I'm canceling out everything i said in my previous post. no, not at all. it just means that the all of point #1 should hold an immense amount of truth in your life IF you are going through similar situations.

i love you man. GodBless

you can't have what you want. so give more hugs.

work hard. pray harder. live harder. and everything will be alright.

eat right. work right. live right.

hug right. heal right.

Never meant to be a type of individual where energy tends to slightly deviate to my dominant side. the dominant side? yea the side where the term 'heartless' reigns so gracefully.

I hear from many older, younger, middle-aged, married, divorced, retired, the wise, the proud, the snobs, the sincere, the double-sided, the bi-polar, and the beautiful...that you're only 21. stop being a dq. life is life. you just live it. honest, that's pretty much the one line sum-up from everyone's responses.

I am such a confused little Indian boy. if my life sold as art, i would probably get a fortune from it considering the little details that have made insanity so vividly clear and bright.

[oh btw, In 5 weeks or so? or maybe 6, i will be done with my summer semester. and get this. 4 months later, i will be running around in scrubs. for the rest of my life. no more inside jokes, no more falling asleep, no more joys from the little things that made the experience so worthwhile. clinicals are coming, and im gone like donkey kong. or rather, scared like none other. but then, like anything in life, its another chance to make things better. to make things different. to make things yours.]

the bright city lights and the perfect downtown manhattan air kind of makes you blur out all the stupid stuff. you know reality (as you can tell i'm huge on reality).

for years you try so hard, and got so far..and in the end it doesn't even matter. (that's linkin park). it's ingenious this growing up thing. Lately, i find myself religiously searching for answers. answers that probably won't give me satisfaction, but you gots to start somewhere! they say "you can't have what you want". well that's understandable considering we are not in control of what we want. God is.

okay so great. i guess what i'm getting at is the frustration of finding myself different from most people my age. in the fact that its been years. years of putting myself through new situations, new environments, new decisions, all in hopes of becoming a better person...in hopes of becoming someone capable of changing a life. that, my homies and homettes, is what i want. to change a life.

impact and change are two different things. you see, impact is when years later people get that light bulb flashback from something you've done or said, and do things differently with their lives.

CHANGE. ahh change. no i'm not pulling an obama, but i mean change in a beauty and the beast kinda way. I find myself investing time and heart and soul into certain thing(s), DESPITE the fact that i can't have what i want. DESPITE the fact that pain is so evident with every act of selflessness that i push into it. So here's what i'm getting at: I'd rather see change, nay, a transformation, a new being, a new project come out of my love in another person, EVEN if i painfully lose in the end.

take home: do what God would do: give more hugs. painfully love, so change might direct a broken soul into freedom. enjoy the beautiful weekend. Godbless.

re-tro.

___________________________________
i'm beginning to fall in love with retro. there is such beauty in the simplicity of that era, perfect example being this font. just makes everything seem so much more sincere, so much more real, so much more understanding.

4th of july. the first perfect weather day of the year. took long enough. I find myself rather confused today, accompanying the rest of my room at 1 am--as we together absorb the flashing rumbles that break up the night sky. Confused to a point where i've just dazed myself into alternate forms of thought and desire all day.

i guess this being my first day off in such a long time, i cannot seem to interpret the odd feelings of emptiness, dis-fulfillment and questions of such decor: "why is time the way it is" and "what's really going on right now".

the black & whites, the browns, the neutrals were all once part of the distinct palette in capturing life years ago. its as if these natural colors of the universe have the power to embed truth in whatever it beholds. crumpled lined paper, inky pens, smiles of past desires have all become somewhat of an odd fantasy for the modern me. so what im saying is old is gold? that re-tro is a way for us to redo life in a way that requires us to use our past to brighten up and enhance our days today? that truth to live our lives is found embedded in those black & white memoirs of our lives. the only problem that i have is incorporating the lessons w/o the reminder and the reinstatement of past hurts, pain, and destruction.

today's take home: re-instate retro. bring back the basics. let the new pain be a new story, NOT an extension of an old one. for this is something that i cannot seem to overcome. so i encourage you to join me in making new stories. and if you're like me and pain is what your story is about right now and from times past, then just keep on reminding yourself that black & whites make anything and everything look amazing. Godbless.

____________________________________________________________________

high speed chase

re-arr

ange.

mhmm. the beauty of a new mac, a new set of wheels, the first day of better weather after days, and the reunification with smiling. God and his random shift of puzzle pieces are quite extraordinary, as you constantly find yourself dazed & flustered. pulmonology final in 2 days and i promise you that my body is so scared of me that it purposely freaks out in advance, rendering me to process everything and anything BUT pulmonology, or rather, the study of breathing. i've sat here thinking about chasing. like a dumb animal chasing after its dumb tail (no offense) or a dumb human being chasing after, well its own dumb tail--or rather his/her own self.

so--(xenons are so much brighter in the dark and really captivates the road in ways i cant even imagine). in that same respect when life is running on turbo, its okay to kinda run the red lights at every intersection. why? because sometimes there's just no other way. let the cops chase you. bump into a coupla things here n there. EMBRACE the road for the road. i'm pretty sure you're completely confused and i understand that. i'm sorry for your loss.

but on the real, this whirlwind of emotions and articulate thought processes have suited my fancy quite well. i find the beauty in failure, in pain, in tears as something more precious than fireworks or fantastic thunder clouds. because NOW is the time that we should just keep going FASTER. faster until the scenery becomes a blur. that red lights are just setting suns. that people are just opinions and your life is just one big fact. a living testimony. a living reality.

lemme write that again because i just thought of it and i think its flippin sick:

red lights are setting suns.

so run the red light to avoid the day's end. a good day never wants to be put to rest to its demise. but its in those good days that the bad days become so much more brighter. a day of hope and strength and goodness.

these nights were meant for restlessness. for tossing & turning in a bed of nails. but the facts are facts. we are in this together--from dawn till setting sun. from red light to green light, we are united by things that we never realized could be possible. or rather realistic.

the basics of this life aren't meant for confinement. they are meant for exploration. for expansion. for reaching heights that only you, yourself and your psyche can behold. i encourage myself, humanity, facebook, blogger and you, yourself and your psyche to accept red for red. and green for green. embrace the facts for the facts. its up to you whether to point the facts in the right direction. that as it races through the highway and thru the red lights in our lives, that it may in turn become a new concept, a new light bulb on the staircase of your existence. so that when you find true love in this earth, she will have no problem getting to you because of all the light bulbs you have established to guide her to you easily.

take home: probably the most confusing and indecisive blog i've ever posted. i did it on purpose. really try to re-read and re-analyze what i'm getting at. because if i told you everything that i mean, then you would treat this blog as just like everything else in life. something to do. let me know what you think. till then, keep on chasing.

songs of the day: the ting tings: we started nothing. thriller by the late mj. rest in peace.

bandages are whac.

okay, it's not over just like that

obviously. but i just want the

world to know that bandages are

whac.

i have come to this brave discovery,

upon restless nights inflicted with heavy

chest pain, clenched teeth...eyes numb from the floods.

bandages can't cover up the burns, even long after this ever stops (IF it ever stops!).

my burns are too severe, too extreme, i need grafts, donors, intense therapy. Despite my understanding of why im where i am right now, as per last post, I still can't stop the feeling. you know what i'm saying? anybody out there? it's like the mental frustration has somehow leaked out of your psyche into your bloodstream and mutated into cells that just attacked your insides. It's what's keeping me from running back to the beginning, running back to where I KNOW im safe. The problem is, is that its gonna take a long time, and where does one get the stamina to withhold such pain?!

take home: question yourself till you die. busy yourself till you fall in a concussion. burn out till the dawn breaks. those of you in the fire, burn with me. those of you who find my posts sad and feel the need to throw a bucket of fake compassion so you look good--don't. real love, real convictions lie in REAL actions. the energy never dies. do me a favor, have a better week than me. just don't forget what you want to forget. or something like that.

e.n.d.

i am in withdrawal. i need detox. i am in withdrawal from what could've been, what is to be and what never was.

my veins feel like fire, pulsating rockets of anguish and bitterness through my entire body. monochrome is my middle name as The Ruse desperately play their riffs through my hollowed out brain.

this, however, is not a cry for help. I have embraced a new concept that is fantastically frustrating, but ridiculously sensible. possibly even insane. you see, i've realized that my veins don't feel like fire on purpose. it's not my imagination tickling my fancy. i am in a fire. well let's revise that: i'm still in a fire (by the time you read this, i will be way beyond the 2nd & 3rd degrees). finding out that God's ignorance of my cries was actually in fact the ignorance of my own stupidness. God never, ever, ever ignores our cries. He listens. Actually when He listens, the fire tends to blaze a little brighter. the energy never dies. Try and notice that next time. I am put in the middle of this fire, blazing, colors seiz-ing themselves around me, inflicting bitter pain for a purpose.

I don't need saving. I don't need people to run too. I don't need people to show up at the door of the building and turn around, even if they know i'm in there burning. I need the burns. the scars, the pain. It's God's direct answer to prayer. I need this pain as a drug, to go back to where it all began. eureka indeed.

okay so let's review: stay in the fire, dont bother stop, drop & rolling, dont hope for a rescue, just sit and get burnt. right. so that's it then, i guess there's no more point in writing, life's mysteries are forever solved! take care, and have a good one.

white-out.

confusion.confusion.

i'm all about periods. talk about awkward. grammatical periods you fool. it symbolizes the end. it's one of the few things that any being can control in this life. control. ha! that's something that is sort of like fire. the average child inside of us will find fire amazing. its blinding roar gives off a rather attractive attribute to the darkness of the night. the child will run for it in hopes of capturing the very beauty his eyes cannot contain. andddd hereee comesss reality. burn baby, burn.

periods give me power. they give me the power to control when i want to just freeze. freeze frame the blazing fire, freeze the moment the signal turns yellow, freeze the car accident in the making, freeze the last breath of the dying, maybe just freeze life itself. what we dont realize, is that the power of periods (or rather the power of control, or the ability for us to freeze things) are all pieced in together by God. i know, i know i figured you'd roll your eyes. but seriously think about it. a lot of the times when the unexpected deplete our happiness stores, or destruct our detailed plans, we go running around in confusing circles. what i realize time and time again is that those moments that we freeze are God's way of saying, "hey man, why don't you just stop mid-sentence and just think."and i have come to the conclusion that i need to accept the fact that i don't have control over my life, God does. sure, we hear that time and time again, but we sincerely don't believe it. you know why? because we have lost our passion. yea i dared myself to say it. I am sick of being apart of a movement that has no participants, that has no followers. People are quick to point the blame, when the honest truth is as follows: YOU are the problem. No, im not bitter, I'm just pushing out into the open the danger involved when you play with fire. I have been a guy that has established himself as a human doormat. A doormat that is highly emotional, but proud in the ability to love with sincerity. I think waiting on anyone else, and I mean ANYONE else but the heavens, is just pure mediocrity. and i am learning that the hard way. A passion for life exists not from having a significant other, a great job, education or from being the hit of the party. It is about lowering yourself to the point where you can run after something other than cliche.

[[i'm telling you man, cliche is a disease!]]

We all get so caught up in the hype of things. In the hype of "feel-good-let's-make-this-about-me" events. But then where does time take us? It becomes a proven FACT that hype will always find its death in time.

Where am i going with this? Right back to the title: white-out. I am 21 and have willingly allowed my brain, heart and soul to fall into the blades of a blender. Scattered, mushed and destroyed pieces of my very existence have been the story of my life these many years. All for what? All for whom? everything and anything BUT the heavens. and that, my friends, is what happens when God burns you with His fire.

I am now placing a clean white stroke over the transcript of my life at present. I will refuse to eliminate the lines of the past, for it has taught me to reject hype.

Dear God, all i have to give to you is the following:

1)my heart. it's disgusting down there, but it's all i have.

2) my music. no, my passion for music. [if we can be scared of losing our jobs, or be terrified upon threats of losing our education, then why the heck are we not afraid of God? why are we okay with not being afraid?]

3) my schooling. PA school is driving me close to insanity, but taking care of the sick is something that makes me believe in hope again. that me fighting to stay in the program will ultimately train me in having the power to change a life, a family, a generation.

take home: 2a) i will not let anyone take away what i love. my life is surrounded by people getting hooked on the new fad: self absorption, and i will no longer tolerate it. and music will heal, music will fix, music will change. so bring forth the change kid!

forgive me for my bitterness oh world wide web! for i am an individual that is craving renewal, and stirred up emotions on empty screens are the best way to physically, mentally and spiritually achieve that goal. you should try it. amongst the battles with PA school, this has brought me peace. I encourage you to listen to hope for a fallen man, by relient k and make it your anthem. because it has now become mine. till next time, keep your white-out handy.

[embrace the periods.]

fight! fight! fight!

___________________________________
its in these moments where the universe seems to shake you from within. driving down the 495, i salute the tired sun as it gracefully dances to its rest. Buffalo Soldier brings in the night skies with such grace. i have come to realize that i need help. that brokenness has found its way into my sense of normalcy. it's as if i don't know any better. it's as if i've been brainwashed into believing that brokenness is all i'm destined to feel. for years. for months. for weeks. for days. for minutes.

dare i say even seconds.

i. am. in a war with myself. i am fighting so hard, you don't understand! i can taste the blood through my teeth, but i still keep on pushing the dagger in deeper and deeper. you find that the TRUTH in battles with other people are an extension of the war within.

let this confusion break me free.

let the blood drops keep me still.

let love serve its course. i've found that love is only true if its shiny and pretty and good and clean and perfect. at least that's what they say. they meaning the people.

so then, in that case, people don't really love ? i mean from what i understand love is like the odd one out. its the battered, bruised, forgotten one. its the one that nobody likes to go near, but the one they know is the truth.

so true love is in the truth. ah! okay so that makes sense. so i take that profound philosophy into account, realizing that i am a victim of love. i am victim of love because i am the odd one out. i am the battered, bruised and forgotten one. i blind myself in stories of fairytales and am too stubborn to accept the fact that fairytales aren't real. yes, i said it. forgive me oh romance!

i have become everything i hated. and this weekend as i head to retreat i realize that maturity is defined in my existence. meaning, it's already there. i was a bought with a price, with a sacrifice, with love that cannot be defined. yet i find more joy in everything BUT that concept.

temporary. oh man that's something that i am a victim of too! i've been drawn into the new fad of enjoying the temporary satisfaction of things. realizing that sacrificial steps are essential to finishing the grand masterpiece of my future.

today's take home: temporary, autoimmune (look it up), if love is what's within, then why do we abuse it so much? why do we purge all past mistakes and start all over again? as if we are comfortable in living in what i call, "redundant failure". relient k said it so well and i'm gonna leave you with that. embrace your pain, your flaws. but most importantly, don't fairytale your way through life. reality is God's way of embracing truth.

Failure is a blessing in disguise. fight for the heavens, not for yourself, not for what feels good, not for what's right. fighting for anything other than love and truth and creation is selfish.

fight.for.change.within.not out. Godbless.

[window shopping].

so glad you could join me.

i've completely fell into the hands of glass windows.

i consider windows as God's way of giving us eyes to analyze, interpret & instruct concepts of what to do with the world He has given us.

black&whites seem to hold such power and grace that make you value the importance of our roots...of the beginnings...of where it all started. Colors are of the modern thinking.

Windows have allowed us to heighten our feelings, to make us feel better. well not really better, but safe. well, not really safe, but comfortable. Okay, maybe not even comfortable. Maybe it has come to a point where windows have brainwashed us into looking, watching & implementing the "monkey see, monkey do" mentality.

I think windows are to blame for killing our individuality, no matter who you are, or where you're from. Okay no, I take it back. Windows have caused us to break free from what has grounded us. We choose the point of views that make us happy, that are profoundly attractive...that give us the ultimate out-of-body experience.

[Tonite's breakdown]: life was never about the colors, the glitz or the glam. It is about appreciating the original craftsmanship involved in what we see through our windows. My decisions to only see what was in my direct line of sight have caused me to forget the importance, or rather, the existence of the truth that lies in the periphery. drink on that. goodnight.