fight! fight! fight!

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its in these moments where the universe seems to shake you from within. driving down the 495, i salute the tired sun as it gracefully dances to its rest. Buffalo Soldier brings in the night skies with such grace. i have come to realize that i need help. that brokenness has found its way into my sense of normalcy. it's as if i don't know any better. it's as if i've been brainwashed into believing that brokenness is all i'm destined to feel. for years. for months. for weeks. for days. for minutes.

dare i say even seconds.

i. am. in a war with myself. i am fighting so hard, you don't understand! i can taste the blood through my teeth, but i still keep on pushing the dagger in deeper and deeper. you find that the TRUTH in battles with other people are an extension of the war within.

let this confusion break me free.

let the blood drops keep me still.

let love serve its course. i've found that love is only true if its shiny and pretty and good and clean and perfect. at least that's what they say. they meaning the people.

so then, in that case, people don't really love ? i mean from what i understand love is like the odd one out. its the battered, bruised, forgotten one. its the one that nobody likes to go near, but the one they know is the truth.

so true love is in the truth. ah! okay so that makes sense. so i take that profound philosophy into account, realizing that i am a victim of love. i am victim of love because i am the odd one out. i am the battered, bruised and forgotten one. i blind myself in stories of fairytales and am too stubborn to accept the fact that fairytales aren't real. yes, i said it. forgive me oh romance!

i have become everything i hated. and this weekend as i head to retreat i realize that maturity is defined in my existence. meaning, it's already there. i was a bought with a price, with a sacrifice, with love that cannot be defined. yet i find more joy in everything BUT that concept.

temporary. oh man that's something that i am a victim of too! i've been drawn into the new fad of enjoying the temporary satisfaction of things. realizing that sacrificial steps are essential to finishing the grand masterpiece of my future.

today's take home: temporary, autoimmune (look it up), if love is what's within, then why do we abuse it so much? why do we purge all past mistakes and start all over again? as if we are comfortable in living in what i call, "redundant failure". relient k said it so well and i'm gonna leave you with that. embrace your pain, your flaws. but most importantly, don't fairytale your way through life. reality is God's way of embracing truth.

Failure is a blessing in disguise. fight for the heavens, not for yourself, not for what feels good, not for what's right. fighting for anything other than love and truth and creation is selfish.

fight.for.change.within.not out. Godbless.