e.n.d.

i am in withdrawal. i need detox. i am in withdrawal from what could've been, what is to be and what never was.

my veins feel like fire, pulsating rockets of anguish and bitterness through my entire body. monochrome is my middle name as The Ruse desperately play their riffs through my hollowed out brain.

this, however, is not a cry for help. I have embraced a new concept that is fantastically frustrating, but ridiculously sensible. possibly even insane. you see, i've realized that my veins don't feel like fire on purpose. it's not my imagination tickling my fancy. i am in a fire. well let's revise that: i'm still in a fire (by the time you read this, i will be way beyond the 2nd & 3rd degrees). finding out that God's ignorance of my cries was actually in fact the ignorance of my own stupidness. God never, ever, ever ignores our cries. He listens. Actually when He listens, the fire tends to blaze a little brighter. the energy never dies. Try and notice that next time. I am put in the middle of this fire, blazing, colors seiz-ing themselves around me, inflicting bitter pain for a purpose.

I don't need saving. I don't need people to run too. I don't need people to show up at the door of the building and turn around, even if they know i'm in there burning. I need the burns. the scars, the pain. It's God's direct answer to prayer. I need this pain as a drug, to go back to where it all began. eureka indeed.

okay so let's review: stay in the fire, dont bother stop, drop & rolling, dont hope for a rescue, just sit and get burnt. right. so that's it then, i guess there's no more point in writing, life's mysteries are forever solved! take care, and have a good one.