high speed chase

re-arr

ange.

mhmm. the beauty of a new mac, a new set of wheels, the first day of better weather after days, and the reunification with smiling. God and his random shift of puzzle pieces are quite extraordinary, as you constantly find yourself dazed & flustered. pulmonology final in 2 days and i promise you that my body is so scared of me that it purposely freaks out in advance, rendering me to process everything and anything BUT pulmonology, or rather, the study of breathing. i've sat here thinking about chasing. like a dumb animal chasing after its dumb tail (no offense) or a dumb human being chasing after, well its own dumb tail--or rather his/her own self.

so--(xenons are so much brighter in the dark and really captivates the road in ways i cant even imagine). in that same respect when life is running on turbo, its okay to kinda run the red lights at every intersection. why? because sometimes there's just no other way. let the cops chase you. bump into a coupla things here n there. EMBRACE the road for the road. i'm pretty sure you're completely confused and i understand that. i'm sorry for your loss.

but on the real, this whirlwind of emotions and articulate thought processes have suited my fancy quite well. i find the beauty in failure, in pain, in tears as something more precious than fireworks or fantastic thunder clouds. because NOW is the time that we should just keep going FASTER. faster until the scenery becomes a blur. that red lights are just setting suns. that people are just opinions and your life is just one big fact. a living testimony. a living reality.

lemme write that again because i just thought of it and i think its flippin sick:

red lights are setting suns.

so run the red light to avoid the day's end. a good day never wants to be put to rest to its demise. but its in those good days that the bad days become so much more brighter. a day of hope and strength and goodness.

these nights were meant for restlessness. for tossing & turning in a bed of nails. but the facts are facts. we are in this together--from dawn till setting sun. from red light to green light, we are united by things that we never realized could be possible. or rather realistic.

the basics of this life aren't meant for confinement. they are meant for exploration. for expansion. for reaching heights that only you, yourself and your psyche can behold. i encourage myself, humanity, facebook, blogger and you, yourself and your psyche to accept red for red. and green for green. embrace the facts for the facts. its up to you whether to point the facts in the right direction. that as it races through the highway and thru the red lights in our lives, that it may in turn become a new concept, a new light bulb on the staircase of your existence. so that when you find true love in this earth, she will have no problem getting to you because of all the light bulbs you have established to guide her to you easily.

take home: probably the most confusing and indecisive blog i've ever posted. i did it on purpose. really try to re-read and re-analyze what i'm getting at. because if i told you everything that i mean, then you would treat this blog as just like everything else in life. something to do. let me know what you think. till then, keep on chasing.

songs of the day: the ting tings: we started nothing. thriller by the late mj. rest in peace.

bandages are whac.

okay, it's not over just like that

obviously. but i just want the

world to know that bandages are

whac.

i have come to this brave discovery,

upon restless nights inflicted with heavy

chest pain, clenched teeth...eyes numb from the floods.

bandages can't cover up the burns, even long after this ever stops (IF it ever stops!).

my burns are too severe, too extreme, i need grafts, donors, intense therapy. Despite my understanding of why im where i am right now, as per last post, I still can't stop the feeling. you know what i'm saying? anybody out there? it's like the mental frustration has somehow leaked out of your psyche into your bloodstream and mutated into cells that just attacked your insides. It's what's keeping me from running back to the beginning, running back to where I KNOW im safe. The problem is, is that its gonna take a long time, and where does one get the stamina to withhold such pain?!

take home: question yourself till you die. busy yourself till you fall in a concussion. burn out till the dawn breaks. those of you in the fire, burn with me. those of you who find my posts sad and feel the need to throw a bucket of fake compassion so you look good--don't. real love, real convictions lie in REAL actions. the energy never dies. do me a favor, have a better week than me. just don't forget what you want to forget. or something like that.

e.n.d.

i am in withdrawal. i need detox. i am in withdrawal from what could've been, what is to be and what never was.

my veins feel like fire, pulsating rockets of anguish and bitterness through my entire body. monochrome is my middle name as The Ruse desperately play their riffs through my hollowed out brain.

this, however, is not a cry for help. I have embraced a new concept that is fantastically frustrating, but ridiculously sensible. possibly even insane. you see, i've realized that my veins don't feel like fire on purpose. it's not my imagination tickling my fancy. i am in a fire. well let's revise that: i'm still in a fire (by the time you read this, i will be way beyond the 2nd & 3rd degrees). finding out that God's ignorance of my cries was actually in fact the ignorance of my own stupidness. God never, ever, ever ignores our cries. He listens. Actually when He listens, the fire tends to blaze a little brighter. the energy never dies. Try and notice that next time. I am put in the middle of this fire, blazing, colors seiz-ing themselves around me, inflicting bitter pain for a purpose.

I don't need saving. I don't need people to run too. I don't need people to show up at the door of the building and turn around, even if they know i'm in there burning. I need the burns. the scars, the pain. It's God's direct answer to prayer. I need this pain as a drug, to go back to where it all began. eureka indeed.

okay so let's review: stay in the fire, dont bother stop, drop & rolling, dont hope for a rescue, just sit and get burnt. right. so that's it then, i guess there's no more point in writing, life's mysteries are forever solved! take care, and have a good one.

white-out.

confusion.confusion.

i'm all about periods. talk about awkward. grammatical periods you fool. it symbolizes the end. it's one of the few things that any being can control in this life. control. ha! that's something that is sort of like fire. the average child inside of us will find fire amazing. its blinding roar gives off a rather attractive attribute to the darkness of the night. the child will run for it in hopes of capturing the very beauty his eyes cannot contain. andddd hereee comesss reality. burn baby, burn.

periods give me power. they give me the power to control when i want to just freeze. freeze frame the blazing fire, freeze the moment the signal turns yellow, freeze the car accident in the making, freeze the last breath of the dying, maybe just freeze life itself. what we dont realize, is that the power of periods (or rather the power of control, or the ability for us to freeze things) are all pieced in together by God. i know, i know i figured you'd roll your eyes. but seriously think about it. a lot of the times when the unexpected deplete our happiness stores, or destruct our detailed plans, we go running around in confusing circles. what i realize time and time again is that those moments that we freeze are God's way of saying, "hey man, why don't you just stop mid-sentence and just think."and i have come to the conclusion that i need to accept the fact that i don't have control over my life, God does. sure, we hear that time and time again, but we sincerely don't believe it. you know why? because we have lost our passion. yea i dared myself to say it. I am sick of being apart of a movement that has no participants, that has no followers. People are quick to point the blame, when the honest truth is as follows: YOU are the problem. No, im not bitter, I'm just pushing out into the open the danger involved when you play with fire. I have been a guy that has established himself as a human doormat. A doormat that is highly emotional, but proud in the ability to love with sincerity. I think waiting on anyone else, and I mean ANYONE else but the heavens, is just pure mediocrity. and i am learning that the hard way. A passion for life exists not from having a significant other, a great job, education or from being the hit of the party. It is about lowering yourself to the point where you can run after something other than cliche.

[[i'm telling you man, cliche is a disease!]]

We all get so caught up in the hype of things. In the hype of "feel-good-let's-make-this-about-me" events. But then where does time take us? It becomes a proven FACT that hype will always find its death in time.

Where am i going with this? Right back to the title: white-out. I am 21 and have willingly allowed my brain, heart and soul to fall into the blades of a blender. Scattered, mushed and destroyed pieces of my very existence have been the story of my life these many years. All for what? All for whom? everything and anything BUT the heavens. and that, my friends, is what happens when God burns you with His fire.

I am now placing a clean white stroke over the transcript of my life at present. I will refuse to eliminate the lines of the past, for it has taught me to reject hype.

Dear God, all i have to give to you is the following:

1)my heart. it's disgusting down there, but it's all i have.

2) my music. no, my passion for music. [if we can be scared of losing our jobs, or be terrified upon threats of losing our education, then why the heck are we not afraid of God? why are we okay with not being afraid?]

3) my schooling. PA school is driving me close to insanity, but taking care of the sick is something that makes me believe in hope again. that me fighting to stay in the program will ultimately train me in having the power to change a life, a family, a generation.

take home: 2a) i will not let anyone take away what i love. my life is surrounded by people getting hooked on the new fad: self absorption, and i will no longer tolerate it. and music will heal, music will fix, music will change. so bring forth the change kid!

forgive me for my bitterness oh world wide web! for i am an individual that is craving renewal, and stirred up emotions on empty screens are the best way to physically, mentally and spiritually achieve that goal. you should try it. amongst the battles with PA school, this has brought me peace. I encourage you to listen to hope for a fallen man, by relient k and make it your anthem. because it has now become mine. till next time, keep your white-out handy.

[embrace the periods.]