you can't have what you want. so give more hugs.

work hard. pray harder. live harder. and everything will be alright.

eat right. work right. live right.

hug right. heal right.

Never meant to be a type of individual where energy tends to slightly deviate to my dominant side. the dominant side? yea the side where the term 'heartless' reigns so gracefully.

I hear from many older, younger, middle-aged, married, divorced, retired, the wise, the proud, the snobs, the sincere, the double-sided, the bi-polar, and the beautiful...that you're only 21. stop being a dq. life is life. you just live it. honest, that's pretty much the one line sum-up from everyone's responses.

I am such a confused little Indian boy. if my life sold as art, i would probably get a fortune from it considering the little details that have made insanity so vividly clear and bright.

[oh btw, In 5 weeks or so? or maybe 6, i will be done with my summer semester. and get this. 4 months later, i will be running around in scrubs. for the rest of my life. no more inside jokes, no more falling asleep, no more joys from the little things that made the experience so worthwhile. clinicals are coming, and im gone like donkey kong. or rather, scared like none other. but then, like anything in life, its another chance to make things better. to make things different. to make things yours.]

the bright city lights and the perfect downtown manhattan air kind of makes you blur out all the stupid stuff. you know reality (as you can tell i'm huge on reality).

for years you try so hard, and got so far..and in the end it doesn't even matter. (that's linkin park). it's ingenious this growing up thing. Lately, i find myself religiously searching for answers. answers that probably won't give me satisfaction, but you gots to start somewhere! they say "you can't have what you want". well that's understandable considering we are not in control of what we want. God is.

okay so great. i guess what i'm getting at is the frustration of finding myself different from most people my age. in the fact that its been years. years of putting myself through new situations, new environments, new decisions, all in hopes of becoming a better person...in hopes of becoming someone capable of changing a life. that, my homies and homettes, is what i want. to change a life.

impact and change are two different things. you see, impact is when years later people get that light bulb flashback from something you've done or said, and do things differently with their lives.

CHANGE. ahh change. no i'm not pulling an obama, but i mean change in a beauty and the beast kinda way. I find myself investing time and heart and soul into certain thing(s), DESPITE the fact that i can't have what i want. DESPITE the fact that pain is so evident with every act of selflessness that i push into it. So here's what i'm getting at: I'd rather see change, nay, a transformation, a new being, a new project come out of my love in another person, EVEN if i painfully lose in the end.

take home: do what God would do: give more hugs. painfully love, so change might direct a broken soul into freedom. enjoy the beautiful weekend. Godbless.