mess of me.

there's not really much to say, but these words really hit me hard. there's truth in every word, every line...& every piece of grammar brilliantly tells my story and my desperate desire to be unchained & free. it's called "Mess of Me", from Switchfoot's new album "Hello Hurricane", coming out in November.

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I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
No, there ain´t no drug to make me well

There ain't no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
inside these prison cells
It´s hard to free the ones you love
Ohh, when you can´t forgive yourself
Forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
There ain't no drug
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life aliiiive!

e-thought.

got this e-mail & i think you should join me & let it sink in.

"one of the things that the group said in between songs, was about suffering. and how we mite look at each other's suffering n think, "oh well their situation isnt THAT bad" or "man, my problems r nothing compared to so-n-so's". but everyone's suffering is unique. n that's how God sees it, n reacts to it, whtether we see it or not. God doesn't look at u ebb n think, hmm ebbie's problems r nothin compared to "so&so" (or vice versa). he cares just as much about u n wat u go through, as he does with me, as he does with so&so, as he does with all of us. he doesn't play favorites, bc we're ALL his children, but we're also all unique in his sight. and the band went on to talk about how our suffering is somethin that we can offer bak to the Lord, but we often forget to bc we get so mentally stuck on the "why me" aspect, that we forget that we can use it to praise Him and draw closer. i kno we've talked about this before, but sometimes God has to remind us that we don't need the things we crave n strive for. We think we need love from each other, encouragement, interaction n a sense of belonging. but do we really? maybe the reason y we get so down is bc we forget that we're NOT meant to have all those things, so when we don't have it, we really have no rite to be upset. bc it wasn't really ours to begin with. like cs lewis said, we were meant for another world. so how can we be upset that we don't have the things of this world? how can we be upset that we don't have friends and family that would sacrifice everything for us? how can we be upset that we work harder than those around us in skool or work? is ne of that gona matter when we're in heaven? everything we do in this life is spose to be for the next life, but we get too caught up in this life that we forget wat is to come.

one last random statement that i picked up from the concert last nite, bout worship though. so lately i've been feelin like i jus cann't bring myself to worship, or to jus do my quiet time bc i don't have the energy to physically get myself to move from my bed or to open my bible, or even to get on my knees in prayer. n a lot of times, when i see other ppl SO on fire for God, i feel bad bc i'm so far off. n even in church, all i can think about r the things going on in my life. i wonder if there was ever a time when i worshipped without thinkin bout myself at all. how selfish of me. so this is wat the main guy from 10th avenue north said. "THE POINT OF WORSHIP IS NOT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, BUT TO FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF."

revolutionary.

you try your best to understand the who, what, where, when why & how of this life you've been given.

sure, you've been taught to accept whatever answers that fill up those questions. they say you can change whatever you need to change, or do whatever you gots to do. i don't buy that. i feel like you're given these answers to accept them not as for what they are, but what they are to become. because every little thing in life has a delicate, yet powerful purpose. and it's funny because almost 95% of the time, our stuck-up American minds have found ourselves obsessed with impatience & ourselves. to the point that most of us are in denial.

i guess being so encompassed by the program these past coupla weeks, have made me fall deep into something. yea, that's it. something. i have no idea what it is, or where it's going, or what's up with it's timing, but its something. and to be honest, it really sucks. but talking this out to you guys made me realize that the things & the people that constantly let you down and/or subconsciously or unintentionally hurt you, have really made me DESIRE to live under a shadow. the shadow of patience, and humility & grace. as you can tell from my past posts, i've been thru a whirlwind of emotions these past 9 months. I guarantee you it was, in fact, the most torturous time of my life. funny thing is, it's still going. sure, "this too shall pass" is keeping me sane, but no point of denying the facts, denying the hurts.

and as i write this, i realize that as you're reading this down you find yourself limiting my words to nothing but dramatic. sure no one will admit it out loud, but its the truth. you think it. i know who you are. but that's okay.

because God in His infinite mercy has allowed to me feel the things i feel, or be treated the way i am treated for a purpose. and the confidence i have in that is so bewildering, that i may never come to terms of fully understanding it.

i find myself here in this lab at midnight, with the quiet buzz of computer fans and fluorescent ambiance, at the mercy of the Lord and the urge from Him to write this to you all. After hitting up Centerpoint

last week, this concept has dawned on me like beard on my face.

dont say the prayer, pray the prayer. its been the best revolutionary concept that i have ever heard. and i tell

you and promise you, that if you're out there feeling the bitterness that

i've felt and will feel periodically, that single line--if one takes it to its utmost sincerity--will give you more joy and peace like

never before. like you wont even know what to do with yourself. and im desperately trying to use that

as my getaway from it all.

TAKE HOME:

thanks for reading. pray for each other. if you see someone on the street, at a red light, on the subway,

on the freeway, or even on the starbucks line--i beg of you to be different and send a quick one up for them.

because if we cannot take care of each other sincerely, then be ashamed to call yourself of God, especially

if you publicly express yourself as a firm, outgoing & loving believer of the Lord. God will come back & haunt you.

so watch it.

mad hostile i know!! crazy, but id rather get all this out to you know, while i'm under stress & anxiety. because

the real truths & realities come out freely during these times. take it, drink it and let it bring forth change.

pray.Godbless.

owned.

stop being ordinary. do something different from what everyone else is doing.

bought my first pair of toms shoes the other day. super excited to show 'em off, only because its so incredibly different. and i bleed helping kids through my bones. check 'em out at http://www.tomsshoes.com. also i recommend making your homepage: http://www.goodsearch.com. No i'm not in a sudden charity high, heck I joined PA school in hopes of getting help to the suffering asap. That's why med school was out of the picture. too long of a wait to do something for someone else.

observing what is untold:

it's in the most confusing times you realize how cold your insides have become. being immune to adversity has, as the title so brilliantly proclaims, owned you.

you find yourself questioning and developing your thoughts into redundant cycles of brutal doubt, self-destruction-- forcing yourself to accept that you're destined for nothing but what is in front of you.

"Futures & chicken wings without ketchup and hot sauce, are just a mere potion for disaster", is what you mind answers to your heart when it is in utter fear and disgust.

and its true. the past tends to be something that encompasses and shatter all your hopes and dreams and plans and imagination. your mind knows nothing else in times of sudden adversity, when trauma or mama drama lingers as its only inhabitant of your sorry psyche.

and this is where it escalades into a hot, crazy mess: the pain burns. it burns so much that the ache owns you. it owns you to the point that you are utterly helpless to its firm hand of authority. you whine like a dog out in the cold, your sheets become red hot from the tossing and turning. you scream inside, pumping the vasculature to its demise. see the pain that really owns you isn't really what you think that owns you. it's your surroundings. you look around and micro-analyze every single thing, thinking its the only way you'll make sense of everything.

so the intervention begins. the point of writing this up for the world to see--while i should be studying cardiology is something that im trying to get people to understand.

God. i know He's so over-talked about, over-played, over-whatever suits your word choice.

It's so easy to believe in everything else but Him because well, why believe in something unseen? by believing in something real and concrete and physical you are able to conquer life's many trials. SURVEY SAYS: DE-NIED. the happy people are necessarily the happiest of happys.

ACCEPT THE UNSEEN AS A CRESCENDO.

the best thing about believing in the unseen is finding out that it is NOT something that is just ask and take. it is about working hard spiritually to allow rebirth and regrowth to exist under the surface and working inside of you as go through the daily ins and outs.

IT TAKES TIME. GOD TAKES HIS TIME. Don't look to the left, to the back, or to right.

"One stupid little thing makes such a drastic change in your life, not even a BIG one, just a little one." It's the little things that God uses to avoid the big things from becoming death to you.

He shoots with adversity for attention. that faith in things of the world have NO match for the things He can provide you. and that my dear friend(s), is pure relief. pure joy in the little things. STARTING to believe in finding pure joy in the little things enable you to slowly piece things together to later on, find joy NATURALLY in the bigger things. the life that God intended you to live, NOT the life that OTHERS intended you to live. Keep the gangster you running towards the prize, not away from it because you hurt your ankle. THATS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

take home: let the little things be your guide to fighting for something better.

be in love with prayer this week. not you, or your school, or your peoples, just prayer. God bless man.

obsess less.

this is a quick note to tell you the following, well i'm mainly tellin myself the following at the same time:

1) obsession over things that are out of your control, that don't work in your favor, or that don't go the way you want it is meaningless.

2) in times of adversity, failure, or fed-upness (as i clearly am now), join in me the "not caring" committee for excellence. see its not about saying "screw it, i dont care about anything". its the i dont care attitude that deals with doing YOU UNTIL this lil phase that God's putting you through passes. you get what im saying? lay your battles with God.

3) this does not mean that I'm canceling out everything i said in my previous post. no, not at all. it just means that the all of point #1 should hold an immense amount of truth in your life IF you are going through similar situations.

i love you man. GodBless

you can't have what you want. so give more hugs.

work hard. pray harder. live harder. and everything will be alright.

eat right. work right. live right.

hug right. heal right.

Never meant to be a type of individual where energy tends to slightly deviate to my dominant side. the dominant side? yea the side where the term 'heartless' reigns so gracefully.

I hear from many older, younger, middle-aged, married, divorced, retired, the wise, the proud, the snobs, the sincere, the double-sided, the bi-polar, and the beautiful...that you're only 21. stop being a dq. life is life. you just live it. honest, that's pretty much the one line sum-up from everyone's responses.

I am such a confused little Indian boy. if my life sold as art, i would probably get a fortune from it considering the little details that have made insanity so vividly clear and bright.

[oh btw, In 5 weeks or so? or maybe 6, i will be done with my summer semester. and get this. 4 months later, i will be running around in scrubs. for the rest of my life. no more inside jokes, no more falling asleep, no more joys from the little things that made the experience so worthwhile. clinicals are coming, and im gone like donkey kong. or rather, scared like none other. but then, like anything in life, its another chance to make things better. to make things different. to make things yours.]

the bright city lights and the perfect downtown manhattan air kind of makes you blur out all the stupid stuff. you know reality (as you can tell i'm huge on reality).

for years you try so hard, and got so far..and in the end it doesn't even matter. (that's linkin park). it's ingenious this growing up thing. Lately, i find myself religiously searching for answers. answers that probably won't give me satisfaction, but you gots to start somewhere! they say "you can't have what you want". well that's understandable considering we are not in control of what we want. God is.

okay so great. i guess what i'm getting at is the frustration of finding myself different from most people my age. in the fact that its been years. years of putting myself through new situations, new environments, new decisions, all in hopes of becoming a better person...in hopes of becoming someone capable of changing a life. that, my homies and homettes, is what i want. to change a life.

impact and change are two different things. you see, impact is when years later people get that light bulb flashback from something you've done or said, and do things differently with their lives.

CHANGE. ahh change. no i'm not pulling an obama, but i mean change in a beauty and the beast kinda way. I find myself investing time and heart and soul into certain thing(s), DESPITE the fact that i can't have what i want. DESPITE the fact that pain is so evident with every act of selflessness that i push into it. So here's what i'm getting at: I'd rather see change, nay, a transformation, a new being, a new project come out of my love in another person, EVEN if i painfully lose in the end.

take home: do what God would do: give more hugs. painfully love, so change might direct a broken soul into freedom. enjoy the beautiful weekend. Godbless.

re-tro.

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i'm beginning to fall in love with retro. there is such beauty in the simplicity of that era, perfect example being this font. just makes everything seem so much more sincere, so much more real, so much more understanding.

4th of july. the first perfect weather day of the year. took long enough. I find myself rather confused today, accompanying the rest of my room at 1 am--as we together absorb the flashing rumbles that break up the night sky. Confused to a point where i've just dazed myself into alternate forms of thought and desire all day.

i guess this being my first day off in such a long time, i cannot seem to interpret the odd feelings of emptiness, dis-fulfillment and questions of such decor: "why is time the way it is" and "what's really going on right now".

the black & whites, the browns, the neutrals were all once part of the distinct palette in capturing life years ago. its as if these natural colors of the universe have the power to embed truth in whatever it beholds. crumpled lined paper, inky pens, smiles of past desires have all become somewhat of an odd fantasy for the modern me. so what im saying is old is gold? that re-tro is a way for us to redo life in a way that requires us to use our past to brighten up and enhance our days today? that truth to live our lives is found embedded in those black & white memoirs of our lives. the only problem that i have is incorporating the lessons w/o the reminder and the reinstatement of past hurts, pain, and destruction.

today's take home: re-instate retro. bring back the basics. let the new pain be a new story, NOT an extension of an old one. for this is something that i cannot seem to overcome. so i encourage you to join me in making new stories. and if you're like me and pain is what your story is about right now and from times past, then just keep on reminding yourself that black & whites make anything and everything look amazing. Godbless.

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