white-out.

confusion.confusion.

i'm all about periods. talk about awkward. grammatical periods you fool. it symbolizes the end. it's one of the few things that any being can control in this life. control. ha! that's something that is sort of like fire. the average child inside of us will find fire amazing. its blinding roar gives off a rather attractive attribute to the darkness of the night. the child will run for it in hopes of capturing the very beauty his eyes cannot contain. andddd hereee comesss reality. burn baby, burn.

periods give me power. they give me the power to control when i want to just freeze. freeze frame the blazing fire, freeze the moment the signal turns yellow, freeze the car accident in the making, freeze the last breath of the dying, maybe just freeze life itself. what we dont realize, is that the power of periods (or rather the power of control, or the ability for us to freeze things) are all pieced in together by God. i know, i know i figured you'd roll your eyes. but seriously think about it. a lot of the times when the unexpected deplete our happiness stores, or destruct our detailed plans, we go running around in confusing circles. what i realize time and time again is that those moments that we freeze are God's way of saying, "hey man, why don't you just stop mid-sentence and just think."and i have come to the conclusion that i need to accept the fact that i don't have control over my life, God does. sure, we hear that time and time again, but we sincerely don't believe it. you know why? because we have lost our passion. yea i dared myself to say it. I am sick of being apart of a movement that has no participants, that has no followers. People are quick to point the blame, when the honest truth is as follows: YOU are the problem. No, im not bitter, I'm just pushing out into the open the danger involved when you play with fire. I have been a guy that has established himself as a human doormat. A doormat that is highly emotional, but proud in the ability to love with sincerity. I think waiting on anyone else, and I mean ANYONE else but the heavens, is just pure mediocrity. and i am learning that the hard way. A passion for life exists not from having a significant other, a great job, education or from being the hit of the party. It is about lowering yourself to the point where you can run after something other than cliche.

[[i'm telling you man, cliche is a disease!]]

We all get so caught up in the hype of things. In the hype of "feel-good-let's-make-this-about-me" events. But then where does time take us? It becomes a proven FACT that hype will always find its death in time.

Where am i going with this? Right back to the title: white-out. I am 21 and have willingly allowed my brain, heart and soul to fall into the blades of a blender. Scattered, mushed and destroyed pieces of my very existence have been the story of my life these many years. All for what? All for whom? everything and anything BUT the heavens. and that, my friends, is what happens when God burns you with His fire.

I am now placing a clean white stroke over the transcript of my life at present. I will refuse to eliminate the lines of the past, for it has taught me to reject hype.

Dear God, all i have to give to you is the following:

1)my heart. it's disgusting down there, but it's all i have.

2) my music. no, my passion for music. [if we can be scared of losing our jobs, or be terrified upon threats of losing our education, then why the heck are we not afraid of God? why are we okay with not being afraid?]

3) my schooling. PA school is driving me close to insanity, but taking care of the sick is something that makes me believe in hope again. that me fighting to stay in the program will ultimately train me in having the power to change a life, a family, a generation.

take home: 2a) i will not let anyone take away what i love. my life is surrounded by people getting hooked on the new fad: self absorption, and i will no longer tolerate it. and music will heal, music will fix, music will change. so bring forth the change kid!

forgive me for my bitterness oh world wide web! for i am an individual that is craving renewal, and stirred up emotions on empty screens are the best way to physically, mentally and spiritually achieve that goal. you should try it. amongst the battles with PA school, this has brought me peace. I encourage you to listen to hope for a fallen man, by relient k and make it your anthem. because it has now become mine. till next time, keep your white-out handy.

[embrace the periods.]